Loved and lost

For years, nearly a decade, I referred to him as my heart. We weren’t even together any more when the world lost him. But that wasn’t because the love was gone. So when he died, my heart shattered.

Shattered! 😢😢😢 I am literally heartbroken right now. #RIP

— Bianca Welds 💯 (@biancawelds) September 5, 2020

It wasn’t my first heartbreak. It wasn’t even my first because of him. But it was the first time I had lost someone I loved like that.

I wept for days. Then I was numb. then I cried some more.

I did eventually go back into therapy because with this on top of the year I had already had (broken leg recovery and pandemic, anyone?), I knew the downward spiral was coming.

While therapy was helping, it was him that got me through. I’m not one for the supernatural, but I had a dream in which he showed up and we sat and talked. I’ve never been able to remember the content of the conversation but at the end he let me know he was ok and that I’d be ok. When I woke up the next morning, I felt at peace.

Call it what you want… 🤷🏽‍♀️

A major part of the aftermath of losing him was realising that I felt like I had lost my 30s. We got together before I turned 32 and broke up a little before I turned 40. Nearly an entire decade, and like that it was gone.

Tennyson said “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” One analysis of this, suggests that because love is expansive, having loved leaves us larger and more open, even if that love is lost to us.

It is difficult for me to see that sometimes. While I don’t regret having loved, the grief of loss does make it tough to feel like you’ve come out better for it.

Another challenge with loving and losing, is you may question whether you will love again, or be loved. Not saying that I’ve given up, but there are definitely times when I think maybe I’ll just stay alone.

It has taken me over 2 years to be able to write anything about him, after my blog tribute, other than brief memorial posts on social media. I still miss him.

Just as someone who has never had something can’t miss it in the same way, I cannot say for sure whether this is better than never having loved.

I do know that sometimes having loved leaves you lost.